In the Dumps: More Comic-con Events You Can Probably Skip

I had fun making fun of Comic-con 2007’s Thursday sked, but looking through the Friday and Saturday listings was a bummer. The cheesy stuff on those days just isn’t as funny. So here’s a slightly pissy take on some of Comic-Con 2007’s less-than-inspiring weekend offerings, including Seth MacFarlane, Kevin Smith, Scott McCloud, sci-fi beef- and cheesecake, and the bleak, bleak (sorry: booming!) world of comic book retailing. Plus satirical pix.

FRIDAY

3:30-4:30 AMERICAN DAD—SETH MACFARLANE
MacFarlane and the entire cast of American Dad will read a classic episode of the hilarious Fox animated comedy LIVE for Comic-con fans! Room 6CDEF

Good God, Seth MacFarlane works hard for his money. A table reading? With the entire cast in attendance? And that’s on top of another panel he’s doing on Saturday! Holy Mother of Jesus. I’d been assuming that after Family Guy came back he’d finally made it into fuck-you money. Nope!

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4:30-6:00 SO YOU WANT TO BE A COMIC BOOK RETAILER
You do, don’t you? You have that dream of opening a great comic book specialty store, right? Then this is the one panel at this year’s Comic-Con you can’t afford to miss! Moderated by ComicsPRO President Joe Field, it includes retailers Joe Ferrara from Atlantis Fantasyworld (Santa Cruz CA), Nancy Trempe from Comics Unlimited (Westminster CA), and Derrick Taylor from Comic Oasis (Las Vegas NV). An essential part of ComicsPRO’s mission is to grow the number of professional stores in the Direct Market, and the response to this panel over the last few years has been a good start. Successful futures in comic book retailing start here! Room 2

I like that they come right out and admit they’re trying to sucker you into their low-profit, no-future business. “Grow the number of professional stores?” Why not just come out and say “lure basement-dwelling schmucks into throwing away their parents’ retirement savings”? And why on earth is this ComicsPRO’s “mission”? The future of comics retailing is the same as that of all retailing: A few stores are going to build strong online sales, open franchises and drive the indie shops out of business. And yet these retailers are trying to persuade people to start up more small shops? What is this, Amway?

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3:30-4:30 BUSINESS OF WEB COMICS—SCOTT KURTZ (PVP) AND ROBERT KHOO (PENNY ARCADE)
Kurtz and Khoo will create a brand-new webcomic live on stage and show how the creative and business aspects of the property work (and don’t work) in parallel. Q&A session to follow afterward! Room 8

A brand-new comic created live on stage? Sheesh, guys, could you do any more to make people think your art form is totally half-assed? (Well, you could do one thing: Keep writing Penny Arcade.)

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5:30-6:30 SCOTT MCCLOUD AND FAMILY
Award-winning comics artist and author Scott McCloud (Understanding Comics; Making Comics) and his family (Ivy, Sky, and Winter McCloud) recap an incredible year on the road, meeting thousands of comics artists and fans and seeing all 50 states, plus Canada, England and Spain! Want to know the state of American comics in 2007? The Clan McCloud has all the answers! Room 5AB

What words can describe the spectacle of a family caravan headed up by Mr. Clean-Cut McCloud? Arid? Pitiable? It definitely bodes ill for the younger McClouds’ future therapy budget.

McCloud has always sort of reminded me of Steve Jobs for some reason. My fave Jobs story was when, a few years ago, he told an interviewer about his family’s search for a new washing machine. Jobs explained that they were considering both a standard model and a high-tech, ecologically-optimized one. He bragged about how the whole family sat around the dinner table weighing the pros and cons of the two washers. That’s how I envision the planning of the McCloud trip. First there’s lots of mind-numbing — sorry, empowering – discussion, and somehow in the end Dad’s way turns out to be the most “rational” one.

Oh, and: He named his frickin’ kid Sky! Sky McCloud! How about Glacier McSnowdrift? Or Ocean McRazorback-Clam?

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6:15-7:45 KEVIN SMITH
Comic-Con favorite Kevin Smith holds court in another of his no-holds-barred Q&A sessions, talking about just anything he damn well pleases. Hall H

Wouldn’t it be great if Kevin Smith was a good director?

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SATURDAY

12:15-1:15 SPOTLIGHT ON LAURELL K. HAMILTON
With two incredibly popular book series going stronger than ever (Anita Blake, 15 books, over 6 million copies in print; Merry Gentry, 5 books, over 1 million copies in print), Laurell K. Hamilton is one of the most popular fiction authors working today. Laurell tells us what’s next for Anita, Merry, and herself in this exclusive event. Room 6CDEF

“The Model CZ 85 Combat is the latest pistol tailored to the modern shooter. It fits nicely in the hand and, with its arched grip housing, points naturally. Two 16-round magazines are included with the gun…” — Guns & Ammo Online

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2:15-3:15 SCI FI CELEBRATES THE LADIES OF BATTLESTAR GALACTICA
Panelists include Mary McDonnell (Laura Roslin), Katee Sackhoff (Kara “Starbuck” Thrace), Tricia Helfer (Number Six). Ballroom 20

This is not going to be a good place to meet girls.

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2:45-3:45 SUPERNATURAL
Stars Jared Padalecki (House of Wax) and Jensen Ackles (Smallville), along with co-executive producer Ben Edlund (Angel), answer questions from the audience and discuss the upcoming third season. Room 6CDEF

This is.

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technorati tags: comic-con, seth+macfarlane, comic+shop, comicspro, pvp, penny+arcade, scott+mccloud, understanding+comics, steve+jobs, kevin+smith, laurell+k+hamilton, battlestar+galactica, supernatural, fandumb, fandom

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