MISDIRECTED CALL by LILYWHITE
a.k.a. “The Borg get Pwned”
What happens: The Borg try to assimilate Hell, but it doesn’t work out like they’d hoped.
Notable cheese: “a set of chains latched onto the [Borg] soldier. It made an animal sound of pain, never having learned how to scream.” [“Moo!” –ed.]
“We are here to show you the full capacity of experience for the flesh.” [say the Cenobites.]
“The flesh is irrelevant. You will be assimilated. Resistance is futile.” [say the Borg.]
Xiphos blinked. “The flesh is irrelevant?” A worse blasphemy could hardly be spoken! Surely these creatures were in denial. But then, they began to attack. The four cenobites caused the other hallways to close on themselves, crushing the soldiers who had not yet egressed.
HELLTREK by NIKOLAI KINGSLEY
Which Trek: Next Generation (but with this guy’s friends standing in for some characters, I think)
What happens: Holodeck pranks spook a crewmember. She arrives on the “bridge” to find that, well… “The crew weren’t wearing regulation Starfleet uniforms. Commander Riker – like the others – was dressed in some sort of black leather ceremonial robe.” Etc.
Notable cheese: “The doors of a turbolift appeared in the wall behind her, trails of spider-web stretched across the opening. It had [a] tomb-like, gothic air, and was poorly lit.”
“She carefully pushed aside a few of the chains and made her way down to her station, shuddering when she had to touch a chain with a large chunk of dead, rotted flesh spitted on the hook.” …
“Acting Ensign Strepsil was working the navigational console with skewers through his cheeks, poking out from the sides of his head, and she barely fought down the impulse to shrink back in her seat when he gave her a horrible grin.” …
“Captain Picard stepped down to her station and placed a hand on her shoulder, the white fingers resembling frozen earthworms. ” …
“Amber went over to Acting Science Officer Arifel and whispered, “What the hell is going on here?” She tried to ignore the spikes which, inserted underneath his chin, crossed over inside his mouth and emerged from his temples. Amber wished she’d retained some of the Betazed powers in her ancestry; now, more than ever, she wanted to know what he was feeling.“
Note that Amber’s first concern (like Bashir’s, yesterday) when faced with this situation is to act like everything is normal. Sit at your station, find something appropriate to say, ignore the captain’s earthworm fingers, and all will be well. Trekkian optimism at its finest!