Hellraiser/Star Trek: More crossover fanfic

More Star Trek/Hellraiser crossover fanfic.

star-trek-borg-torso MISDIRECTED CALL by LILYWHITE
a.k.a. “The Borg get Pwned”
What happens: The Borg try to assimilate Hell, but it doesn’t work out like they’d hoped.
Notable cheese: “a set of chains latched onto the [Borg] soldier. It made an animal sound of pain, never having learned how to scream.” [“Moo!” –ed.]

“We are here to show you the full capacity of experience for the flesh.” [say the Cenobites.]

“The flesh is irrelevant. You will be assimilated. Resistance is futile.” [say the Borg.]

Xiphos blinked. “The flesh is irrelevant?” A worse blasphemy could hardly be spoken! Surely these creatures were in denial. But then, they began to attack. The four cenobites caused the other hallways to close on themselves, crushing the soldiers who had not yet egressed.

pinhead-hellraiser-dollHELLTREK by NIKOLAI KINGSLEY
Which Trek: Next Generation (but with this guy’s friends standing in for some characters, I think)
What happens: Holodeck pranks spook a crewmember. She arrives on the “bridge” to find that, well… “The crew weren’t wearing regulation Starfleet uniforms. Commander Riker – like the others – was dressed in some sort of black leather ceremonial robe.” Etc.
Notable cheese: “The doors of a turbolift appeared in the wall behind her, trails of spider-web stretched across the opening. It had [a] tomb-like, gothic air, and was poorly lit.”


“She carefully pushed aside a few of the chains and made her way down to her station, shuddering when she had to touch a chain with a large chunk of dead, rotted flesh spitted on the hook.” …

“Acting Ensign Strepsil was working the navigational console with skewers through his cheeks, poking out from the sides of his head, and she barely fought down the impulse to shrink back in her seat when he gave her a horrible grin.” …

“Captain Picard stepped down to her station and placed a hand on her shoulder, the white fingers resembling frozen earthworms. ” …

“Amber went over to Acting Science Officer Arifel and whispered, “What the hell is going on here?” She tried to ignore the spikes which, inserted underneath his chin, crossed over inside his mouth and emerged from his temples. Amber wished she’d retained some of the Betazed powers in her ancestry; now, more than ever, she wanted to know what he was feeling.

Note that Amber’s first concern (like Bashir’s, yesterday) when faced with this situation is to act like everything is normal. Sit at your station, find something appropriate to say, ignore the captain’s earthworm fingers, and all will be well. Trekkian optimism at its finest!

Hellraiser/Star Trek: Weirdest crossover ever?

There is such a thing as Hellraiser/Star Trek fanfiction.

It’s not actually as surreal as I expected — and not just because the Borg and Clive Barker’s Cenobites clearly shop from the same closet.


Actually, Hellraiser’s demon-summoning puzzle box makes quite a nice symbol for Star Trek’s main theme of humans grappling with the unexpected dangers of technology.

hellraiser-puzzle-boxInstead of a puzzle box, the Trek characters have puzzles, a different one every week: a spaceborne malady, an inscrutable alien culture, an engine malfunction. In Star Trek, though, solving the puzzle always leads to a happy end. In Hellraiser, solving the puzzle leads to, well, Hell.

Whether a character is deliberately trying to reach the Cenobite world (read: purposeful technological development) or just tinkering innocently with what they think is an ordinary toy (unchannelled human curiosity), conquering the box triggers their doom. If only the Cenobites would obey the prime directive!

(Puzzling — and mockable — story excerpt after the jump.)

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Furries are artsy

Aha! A-HAAAA! So you people (in my head) had me thinking furries were passé and thus no longer mockable, but NOT HARDLY! In fact, furriness has entered the avant-garde mainstream. Make that fur, as in Fur, the new Diane Arbus biopic.

So nyah, all you “too mature to mock ludicrous fetishes” types. Now that it’s timely, I will laugh at them constantly. Check this out! (NSFW) HA! And this! (also NSFW) Hahahahaha! Furries are STUPID, get it?

And from the looks of it, so is the movie.

Here’s another couple of “Aminals” by artist Catharine Lyons.


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Say it ain’t so, Spot

Ever since my post Furries in Space, I’ve been plagued by the nagging fear that not only was my attack on furries hackneyed, but that any sort of furry japery has become irrevocably passé. God, I hope that’s not true.


Writing it, I was a little concerned that the 2001 Vanity Fair article had marked the high point in furry mockery, kind of like how Esquire’s 1997 “Cocktail Culture” cover story marked the end of cocktail culture. But I figured I’d go ahead and indulge. I didn’t know then that the guys in Something Awful‘s forums already had a long history of recreational anti-furry-ism.

Now I’m not sure whether I’ll ever feel comfortable mocking furries again. This is a terrible moment for me. How will I ever recover? Maybe with this. (NSFW) I like how the poster made sure to give it a ‘zoom’ feature. Also, is that really how you wear a cock ring? I don’t think that’s right.

Oh, and yeah, this post is partly an excuse to show the deformed plushie up there. It’s an “Aminal” by artist Catharine Lyons, who’s showing through Oct. 22 at Max Fish gallery in NYC. Thanks to Cityrag for the link.

Keep those cartoon legs crossed!

Who’s the bigger ho?

Paris Hilton…


Or Fullmetal Alchemist character Winry Rockbell?

The verdict is in!

“Winry: what’s with the tube top? you should know that a lot of my friends are calling you a slut” — E-Fiction.org

“Winry is pretty hawt…First she has the sweet ear-piercings and always shows lots of skin…Has the tight black tube-shirt on most times and whose hawtter bending down in her Daisey-Duke cut-off shorts” — AnimeSuki forums

“Winry looks like a slut” — AnimeNuke forums

A dissenting view:

“Her clothes aren’t showy. When she’s at home, she dresses in a tubetop because regular shirts could get in her way in her line of work. Not to mention it’s hot out in the country side and mechanics is hard work. And the pants that she wears is a jumpsuit and that is far from showy.” –– fullmetal-alchemist.com

Just so that’s cleared up.