Hellraiser/Star Trek: More crossover fanfic

More Star Trek/Hellraiser crossover fanfic.

star-trek-borg-torso MISDIRECTED CALL by LILYWHITE
a.k.a. “The Borg get Pwned”
What happens: The Borg try to assimilate Hell, but it doesn’t work out like they’d hoped.
Notable cheese: “a set of chains latched onto the [Borg] soldier. It made an animal sound of pain, never having learned how to scream.” [“Moo!” –ed.]

“We are here to show you the full capacity of experience for the flesh.” [say the Cenobites.]

“The flesh is irrelevant. You will be assimilated. Resistance is futile.” [say the Borg.]

Xiphos blinked. “The flesh is irrelevant?” A worse blasphemy could hardly be spoken! Surely these creatures were in denial. But then, they began to attack. The four cenobites caused the other hallways to close on themselves, crushing the soldiers who had not yet egressed.

pinhead-hellraiser-dollHELLTREK by NIKOLAI KINGSLEY
Which Trek: Next Generation (but with this guy’s friends standing in for some characters, I think)
What happens: Holodeck pranks spook a crewmember. She arrives on the “bridge” to find that, well… “The crew weren’t wearing regulation Starfleet uniforms. Commander Riker – like the others – was dressed in some sort of black leather ceremonial robe.” Etc.
Notable cheese: “The doors of a turbolift appeared in the wall behind her, trails of spider-web stretched across the opening. It had [a] tomb-like, gothic air, and was poorly lit.”

Excerpts:

“She carefully pushed aside a few of the chains and made her way down to her station, shuddering when she had to touch a chain with a large chunk of dead, rotted flesh spitted on the hook.” …

“Acting Ensign Strepsil was working the navigational console with skewers through his cheeks, poking out from the sides of his head, and she barely fought down the impulse to shrink back in her seat when he gave her a horrible grin.” …

“Captain Picard stepped down to her station and placed a hand on her shoulder, the white fingers resembling frozen earthworms. ” …

“Amber went over to Acting Science Officer Arifel and whispered, “What the hell is going on here?” She tried to ignore the spikes which, inserted underneath his chin, crossed over inside his mouth and emerged from his temples. Amber wished she’d retained some of the Betazed powers in her ancestry; now, more than ever, she wanted to know what he was feeling.

Note that Amber’s first concern (like Bashir’s, yesterday) when faced with this situation is to act like everything is normal. Sit at your station, find something appropriate to say, ignore the captain’s earthworm fingers, and all will be well. Trekkian optimism at its finest!

Hellraiser/Star Trek: Weirdest crossover ever?

There is such a thing as Hellraiser/Star Trek fanfiction.

It’s not actually as surreal as I expected — and not just because the Borg and Clive Barker’s Cenobites clearly shop from the same closet.

hellraiser-star-trek-borg-outfits

Actually, Hellraiser’s demon-summoning puzzle box makes quite a nice symbol for Star Trek’s main theme of humans grappling with the unexpected dangers of technology.

hellraiser-puzzle-boxInstead of a puzzle box, the Trek characters have puzzles, a different one every week: a spaceborne malady, an inscrutable alien culture, an engine malfunction. In Star Trek, though, solving the puzzle always leads to a happy end. In Hellraiser, solving the puzzle leads to, well, Hell.

Whether a character is deliberately trying to reach the Cenobite world (read: purposeful technological development) or just tinkering innocently with what they think is an ordinary toy (unchannelled human curiosity), conquering the box triggers their doom. If only the Cenobites would obey the prime directive!

(Puzzling — and mockable — story excerpt after the jump.)

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Project Runway: Geekier Than You’d Imagine

As it clomps down to the wire, it’s becoming clear that there’s a diabolical link between Bravo’s Project Runway and fandom.

First there were the sleeves on designer Vincent’s pageant gown, which prompted guiding force Tim Gunn to say, “These ridiculous epaulette sleeves, talk about ‘Beam Me Up Scotty’! I mean, where were they going, to Judy Jetson’s birthday party?”

Then Phaolo of Project Yawnur compared the four designers remaining in the contest to the Fantastic Four.

fantastic-four-project-runway-yawnur

The Invisible Woman was Uli, who “went unnoticed for most of the season.” Jeffrey was The Thing because he “doesn’t care who he steamrolls over.” Laura was “Stretch” (I think he means Ms. Fantastic) because of her uniquely mobile facial expressions. Michael was the Human Torch because he’s … uh… hot and stuff. (3 out of 4 ain’t bad.)

Then the most recent episode prompted recapper Rich of fourfour to compare one designer to Gollum:

“Angela thinks fleurchons are preshhhhhhusssssss”

As well as comparing host Heidi Klum’s hair to the work of H.R. Giger.

Finally, a fourfour commenter posited a link between designer Jefferey’s neck tattoos and Trek:

“Don’t you think Jeffrey’s neck is channeling a member of the Cardassian empire? Gul-lejerk maybe? “

He even linked to that geekiest of sites, Star Trek Gaming Universe!

You know what this means? It’s only a matter of time before Peter Jackson and David Tennant start turning up on the cover of Vogue. In costume. (Jackson will simply choose a costume.)

Jesus: Battlestar ain’t no Firefly

jesusJesus Christ has a lot on His mind lately, what with the Mexican election, Katherine Harris and His blog. But He still finds time to Tivo. A couple months back, when presenting the Jesus Christ TV Awards, He contentiously declared Battlestar Galactica to be “Science Fiction Taking A Step Backward From Firefly.”

Needless to say, that judgment would raise hackles even if it didn’t come from the Most High. I emailed Him and asked for an elucidation of His views, and — Praise the Lord! — He took time to write back.

Dear Lord, thanks for taking my questions. In Your eyes, what’s wrong with BG?

Before I ruffle your feathers all up, let Me start by saying I absolutely love Battlestar Galactica. I totally think it’s a wonderful show. However, it’s no Firefly. That show had it going on!!! It took all the Star Trek/Star Wars clich├ęs and messed ’em all up.

What’s the connection between Firefly, Star Wars and Star Trek?

Everything Lucas did wrong in the last 3 Star Wars films, Firefly did right. Firefly made sci-fi hip again, leaving just enough genre cheese to keep one foot firmly in the “space serial” canon, but with that foot firmly planted in whatever-it-was that made Han Solo so cool. What Lord Of The Rings did with fantasy, Firefly could have done with science fiction. Granted, it didn’t… and being God, I know why: Fox didn’t have faith in it and the movie sucked.

Do You think BG is too old-fashioned?

Battlestar Galactica is a great show, but it will only win over fans who already love good science fiction. It’s always felt stiff and serious and important, which they really do well… but that’s what people expect from sci-fi, and that’s why I say it’s a step backwards from Firefly.

Thanks for Your thoughts! Anything else to add?

Believe in Me or go to Hell.

***

P.S. Not God, but close: Joss Whedon on BG (link via Windy City Mike.)

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